tonight there must not be a reader in sight, i don’t know i don’t know i don’t know! if i have to be honest…. if i have to be honest… honestly the truth depends on the freshest memory; which one came last, or has touched me the most recent; if she has been nice to me the last time then certainly she is a princess in my eyes, a true angel, a savior. however if she has been cruel then yes she may have been a dictator, a tyrant, whatever word you can come up with. it is so complicated… sometimes i am so so so happy but in some (perhaps rare) cases i feel the entire weight of all the years, the obvious lies, the blatant flirting, the hypocrisy, the selfishness, the insensitivity, the tyranny, oh lord, i am almost crying, (i am sometimes a slave, (what shame!)) i may already be if it weren’t for the kindness i received just recently tonight. but the fresh memory of these pains, my vulnerability, the proximity of these terrors, the probability, the easiness, there you go, i am gushing, i cannot stop, i cannot help it, cannot help myself, help me,