as a kid they always ask you, what you want to be when you grow up. i wanted to be so many things. i wanted to be everything. the average human lifespan was not enough. our waking hours were not enough. if only we didn’t need to sleep so much. i had this fear of growing old, and it is this fear that made me abandon anything that i thought took too long. you could say i wasted a good number of years. yeah, i took my sweet time, but i am now sure of one thing, the surest i’ve ever been. that i can be anything, take on any role, no obligations to anyone, but what matters most is how much i’ve seen and how much i’ve felt. i always tell myself, there is so much more than what surrounds you.
between 2012 and 2013 i lived a mAgniFiCent life. i left home, abandoned a degree and a scholarship, lived alone, earned and left many jobs, got hungry in between jobs, experimented on and assaulted my body with >>chemicals<<, met a girl and fell in >>love<<. i went through a phase wherein a bungee cord and a door knob were my go-to uppers. sometimes i wonder if i got slightly brain damaged from it. but it was then i knew that maybe i can be, and really am a good girl because i couldn’t get addicted to anything and i missed my family so much that i moved back home. also i was lucky enough to touch the girl as much as she touched me and we settled down. fast forward to now, i can say that so much has been stripped of me but i get it now. most of what we thought we know of love is a folly, it is as complex as our SEA of emotions, of the human condition. knowing this, it is much easier to accept love for what it is.
when i was 17, i rode my bike downtown — it was new territory for me, lots of cars, lots of streets i was already familiar with but never really committed to memory. after being half-lost for a while i found what i was looking for: six strings, decent sound, light enough for nimble hands. ok. paid the old man a few week’s worth of student savings. got myself some paint tubes too. now when i started heading back home it started to drizzle. i should be fine, home’s like 10 minutes away. but the rain came down heavier and heavier so swiftly– it was a downpour – no mercy — i had no helmet on, no hat, no coat, no nothing. one hand on the handlebar, the other clutching the >>small guitar<<. i was pedaling madly down the highway, couldn’t even wipe the water from my eyes, other drivers were looking at me like i was batshit craZy. well i got home ok. did i love her? what i can tell you is that she gave me wind beneath my wings. i was 17 when she became a story. and for the life of me i do not know how it should end because, well, she left the city just as swiftly as the rain came on me.
i have loved and left other people since.