over and over again i’ve been making the choice that was easiest to get through the day. it was always the same choice, the seemingly easy one, and in its track it would leave deep ruts that slowly replaced my concept of self, bit by bit. the scariest kind of self-flagellation is one that is hidden from yourself. i was foolish to think that the love i never got enough of was all that i deserved. or is it really foolish? is it indulgent of me to think so? maybe it IS all that i des- ah… i digress. i must remind myself of all that has been taken from me and how a person in his or her right mind, or with a conscience at least, could never do such terrible things to another. what is fucked up is that if it is indeed a clinical affliction then there is nobody responsible. just get them the help that they need and get yourself outta there.
i went out the back door this morning and the way the cool wind greeted me was in stark contrast to what our room has been enveloping me with. i raised my eyes to the sky and i am greeted by the leaves from the malunggay tree and the bayabas tree that have been here for as long as i can remember. if i could just stay in this spot a bit longer… but my eyes started welling up and i knew that this wasn’t the right place and time for a good cry. i went back inside, where my affair with tyranny awaits