people can be mean drugs
some days i wake up in a funk; today was one such day. do dreams mean anything? some people remote from but relevant to your life somehow find their way to live in dreams. you live in dreams. it’s driving me crazy. there is such great gravity in you that my days have been clobbered by illicit desire, though absolutely rational in that i have no intention of ever brushing it off. sometimes i pretend to, and tell myself i have, but immediately seek to be filled up again. some days are so dire… it is terrible to miss, especially what you can’t have, without a resolution; it is no different from wanting what does not exist. no action is warranted. there is nowhere to put these feelings in. how did this happen anyway. you were a tiny speck in the sky, a single pinprick of light in the night like any other, then my eyes chanced upon you one time and now you are overwhelming as a close encounter with the sun, you are burning me up.
i am in such a deep funk that my writing is so bad. it’s been seventy-five days.
encounters with you are so fleeting
and i am only spectating
my gray wash of days
in and out of waking hours
come upstairs and i’ll show you where all my
where my demons hide from you
just look at who i have become
i’m so ashamed you were the one
that made me feel the way i do
you broke me
and taught me
to truly hate myself
and teach me
how to be like somebody else
when i felt strong enough
i was discovered by the love
i had been waiting for so long
you told me none of that was real
i cannot hide how low i feel
to know that you were never wrong
there are things i expect the least, but when they happen, they make perfect sense.
she and i are two people a hundred and eighty degrees apart. two people living in parallel, discovered only at a quarter of a century of life. funny things can happen, like how you lose people without much ado, and how you find people with the gravity of colliding planets.
first, it was the eyes. it couldn’t have been anything else. they made me feel like a deer in the headlights, but without the fear i’ve grown to know so well.
her art came next, it was pure soul, it was magic to witness, goddamn.
a little shuffling of papers in the back room and i find myself treading familiar ground, human things, albeit too easily. somehow the vulnerability and humility makes one more endearing. at this point i knew this was danger, and i gotta get out of here. but much like the dying hours of dawn, eloquence won me over, and there she was, bright as the sun.
it’s a shame she’s out of reach.
peace of mind is more affordable than happiness, with greater returns.
much has changed. life does that to you, it flexes you like a soft plate and you find your ass landing from one side to the next.
awhile back i went so far down as to committing near-resignation. so much had been stripped off of me that i questioned if i’ll ever be somebody again. well i got out of that. still crawling my way out, actually. at least now i’m able to take a step back from the things that terrify me and stomach the possibility of losing things and… people.