i am realizing that

over and over again i’ve been making the choice that was easiest to get through the day. it was always the same choice, the seemingly easy one, and in its track it would leave deep ruts that slowly replaced my concept of self, bit by bit. the scariest kind of self-flagellation is one that is hidden from yourself. i was foolish to think that the love i never got enough of was all that i deserved. or is it really foolish? is it indulgent of me to think so? maybe it IS all that i des- ah… i digress. i must remind myself of all that has been taken from me and how a person in his or her right mind, or with a conscience at least, could never do such terrible things to another. what is fucked up is that if it is indeed a clinical affliction then there is nobody responsible. just get them the help that they need and get yourself outta there.

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i went out the back door this morning and the way the cool wind greeted me was in stark contrast to what our room has been enveloping me with. i raised my eyes to the sky and i am greeted by the leaves from the malunggay tree and the bayabas tree that have been here for as long as i can remember. if i could just stay in this spot a bit longer… but my eyes started welling up and i knew that this wasn’t the right place and time for a good cry. i went back inside, where my affair with tyranny awaits

come upstairs and i’ll show you where all my
where my demons hide from you
just look at who i have become
i’m so ashamed you were the one
that made me feel the way i do
you broke me
and taught me
to truly hate myself
unfold me
and teach me
how to be like somebody else
when i felt strong enough
i was discovered by the love
i had been waiting for so long
you told me none of that was real
i cannot hide how low i feel
to know that you were never wrong

much has changed. life does that to you,  it flexes you like a soft plate and you find your ass landing from one side to the next.

awhile back i went so far down as to committing near-resignation. so much had been stripped off of me that i questioned if i’ll ever be somebody again. well i got out of that. still crawling my way out, actually. at least now i’m able to take a step back from the things that terrify me and stomach the possibility of losing things and… people.

 

cheers darlin,

i know not who my enemy is, supposed to be. i’ve had a handful of glasses, just a few bottles. twas a happy day, a lovely, i am glad, i was glad. (but) then you came home. possibly nothing happened. possibly something happened. probably nothing. just a feeling. just a small feeling, i am tired of repeating sentences, tired of the same feelings, i have none. i have none! just a bit, that i make up, to be glad, to be happy, to be joyful, to just smile… what is true is love, real love, love that is raw, and real, no chemicals, all choices, you are, quite simply, my choice… easy…