cheers darlin,

i know not who my enemy is, supposed to be. i’ve had a handful of glasses, just a few bottles. twas a happy day, a lovely, i am glad, i was glad. (but) then you came home. possibly nothing happened. possibly something happened. probably nothing. just a feeling. just a small feeling, i am tired of repeating sentences, tired of the same feelings, i have none. i have none! just a bit, that i make up, to be glad, to be happy, to be joyful, to just smile… what is true is love, real love, love that is raw, and real, no chemicals, all choices, you are, quite simply, my choice… easy…

Blond III

as a kid they always ask you, what you want to be when you grow up. i wanted to be so many things. i wanted to be everything. the average human lifespan was not enough. our waking hours were not enough. if only we didn’t need to sleep so much. i had this fear of growing old, and it is this fear that made me abandon anything that i thought took too long. you could say i wasted a good number of years. yeah, i took my sweet time, but i am now sure of one thing, the surest i’ve ever been. that i can be anything, take on any role, no obligations to anyone, but what matters most is how much i’ve seen and how much i’ve felt. i always tell myself, there is so much more than what surrounds you.

Blond II

between 2012 and 2013 i lived a mAgniFiCent life. i left home, abandoned a degree and a scholarship, lived alone, earned and left many jobs, got hungry in between jobs, experimented on and assaulted my body with >>chemicals<<, met a girl and fell in >>love<<. i went through a phase wherein a bungee cord and a door knob were my go-to uppers. sometimes i wonder if i got slightly brain damaged from it. but it was then i knew that maybe i can be, and really am a good girl because i couldn’t get addicted to anything and i missed my family so much that i moved back home. also i was lucky enough to touch the girl as much as she touched me and we settled down. fast forward to now, i can say that so much has been stripped of me but i get it now. most of what we thought we know of love is a folly, it is as complex as our SEA of emotions, of the human condition. knowing this, it is much easier to accept love for what it is.

Blond I

when i was 17, i rode my bike downtown — it was new territory for me, lots of cars, lots of streets i was already familiar with but never really committed to memory. after being half-lost for a while i found what i was looking for: six strings, decent sound, light enough for nimble hands. ok. paid the old man a few week’s worth of student savings. got myself some paint tubes too. now when i started heading back home it started to drizzle. i should be fine, home’s like 10 minutes away. but the rain came down heavier and heavier so swiftly– it was a downpour – no mercy — i had no helmet on, no hat, no coat, no nothing. one hand on the handlebar, the other clutching the >>small guitar<<. i was pedaling madly down the highway, couldn’t even wipe the water from my eyes, other drivers were looking at me like i was batshit craZy. well i got home ok. did i love her? what i can tell you is that she gave me wind beneath my wings. i was 17 when she became a story. and for the life of me i do not know how it should end because, well, she left the city just as swiftly as the rain came on me.
i have loved and left other people since.

ladies and gentlemen, exhibit a. last post (now recalled) has been many months past, or at least feels like it, and a drunken babble to say the least. which is not to say i haven’t been writing at all since then – i have been writing in different places, most times in my head.

tonight there must not be a reader in sight, i don’t know i don’t know i don’t know! if i have to be honest…. if i have to be honest… honestly the truth depends on the freshest memory; which one came last, or has touched me the most recent; if she has been nice to me the last time then certainly she is a princess in my eyes, a true angel, a savior. however if she has been cruel then yes she may have been a dictator, a tyrant, whatever word you can come up with. it is so complicated… sometimes i am so so so happy but in some (perhaps rare) cases i feel the entire weight of all the years, the obvious lies, the blatant flirting, the hypocrisy, the selfishness, the insensitivity, the tyranny, oh lord, i am almost crying, (i am sometimes a slave, (what shame!)) i may already be if it weren’t for the kindness i received just recently tonight. but the fresh memory of these pains, my vulnerability, the proximity of these terrors, the probability, the easiness, there you go, i am gushing, i cannot stop, i cannot help it, cannot help myself, help me,